something new.

the first time i blinked out tears to you was the start of something new. we were new, the feelings were new, the year was new and i was scared. i guess i have always been scared of new, it’s natural, we like what we know. i was scared because this newness was disarming me, your unyielding love was disarming me, your piercing green eyes were disarming me, and your words were opening up my heart. i didn’t like that. it took time, but as the newness of the year wore off, so did the alarm, and as i sank deeper into you, into our love, me being afraid wore off too. because you were safe, you were here, you were home. you were my person.

the last time i blinked out tears to you was the start of something new. this is new, this path is new, alone is new and i am scared. i guess i have always been scared of new, it’s natural, we like what we know. i am scared because this newness is disarming me, walking through this without your hand to hold is disarming me, not hearing your sweet voice is disarming me, you forgetting me is disarming me, your silence is breaking my heart. i don’t like that. it’s going to take time, but as this newness wears off, so will the alarm, and as i sink deeper into His grace, into His love, me being afraid will wear off too. because He is over all things and He is good. He is safe, He is here. He is home and in that peace i am still because even through this is heavy, and it hurts and it’s hard, I know brighter things are ahead. you were my person, and that meant something, but this is me letting go and moving on to something new.